Monthly Archives: August 2015

Oo-er

OO-ER

I can’t make up my mind
Am I afraid of my own shadow?
Or am I a shadow of my former self?
My former self??
Do I mean I was something else?
Jesus!
Do I have to wait til sundown?
Are my teeth growing?
Am I getting hairier?
Hell… there’s blood!
On the floor!
God, it’s my hooter
I musn’t get into a state
I could be transformed
Into something…
From Transylvania!
Aha….
Look in the mirror
If I’m there….
I’m still there!
But if I’m not?
No, I’m not looking
Too risky.
Oo-er…..

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Dead Serious

I’ve been driven to despair
I’ve been driven round the bend
Up the wall
To distraction

I am now beyond repair
Beyond a chance to mend
Off the ball
No reaction

Up and dead I have curled
I’m a word to the wise
I was a fool
I got married

I am dead to the world
I am dead behind the eyes
Dead and gone
Dead and buried

Cuckold

Of course I’ve had my suspicions
Like yesterday’s breakfast
She served a red herring
That started me swearing

I took a good look at her
The lipstick was smeared
The milkman of course
Bloody Trojan horse

A smirk and ‘Good Morning!’
A gloat from behind his float
I’ll stop buying his stuff
I’ve had more than enough

But then there’s the man from the Pru
You can’t win in this game
I leave the house with a spouse
No cat, playtime for the mouse

Dago Dazzler

We all know Botticelli
He ate just vermicelli
Inside was a knot
So he farted a lot
His botty was rather smelly

And when not at a disco
He was up there painting a fresco
Then he paused for a snack
From a pack on his back
Took a burger and lots of tabisco

He wasn’t too keen on the fluff
Mention girls, he’d go into a huff
Asked would he wed
Said he’d rather be dead
Well, he would if he were a puff

Hey you!

Hey you! Yeah, you
You got no style
There’s nothing to cramp
You’re a squib and you’re damp

Hey you! Yeah, you
After a while
I find you too much
You’re a square out-of-touch

Hey you! Yeah, you
The shortest of straws
There’s nothing to clutch
There never was much

Hey you! Yeah, you
A standing joke
A figure of fun
A goose cooked overdone

Bongo Lingo

It’s all Greek to me
He’s speaking double Dutch
Lost in the fog of Frog
The Swiss, I’ll give a miss
Abolish the Polish
And make the Spanish vanish
And a hoodoo on Hindu
The Irish need some polish
As for Kraut, what’s that all about?
The Danish need some varnish
Hungarian so ghoulish
As for the English….
No sex please

The Girl from Peru

‘So ! You want to leave’
‘I do’
‘Who is she?’
‘A girl from Peru.’
‘PERU???’ That’ll never do!’
‘Well, it’ll bloody have to!’
‘But is this really true?’
‘It is and now it’s time I flew’
‘You mean Peru?’
‘Sorry, I thought you knew’
‘So now I’ve got to start anew!’
‘I fancy another view’
‘But it’s a bolt from the blue!’
‘You’re past it, she’s only twenty-two’