Meet Val, the feathered vagabond
A rare bird who liked to spend
So much so in need of a lend
Was now at her wit’s end
Tired of living in the ghetto
By luck, she won a lot on bingo
Was she leaving? I should coco!
To be an uptown flamingo
She cast an eye, a look so icy
These people she knew were dicey
What she wanted was much more spicey
On the up where things were pricey
All at once, she changed direction
Now she was seeking perfection
For her friends she’d lost affection
Disconnection, full rejection
Botty Man, an anal mumbler
He put his farts into a tumbler
Or tried to, he was a fumbler
His wife complained, was a grumbler
Botty Man often tried one sideways
(He always seemed to do this on Fridays)
One or two really did amaze
Don’t strike a match, they’d be a blaze!
The problem of course was the stench
The sort that really made you clench
Poor woman! She’d started to blench.
Made her want to hide inside a trench
And things were even worse at night
A time when his arse was in the limelight
Another cheesy Angel Delight
Two pongs don’t make a right
A feral elf in free fall
Was blown right inside her hall
The woman, her be rather bit
A primary hit on her armpit
She tried to stop the flow of blood
Turning now into a flood
Then the elf went for the knee
Oh, she must get free!
She needed wisdom from the woods
Mr Owl could bring the goods
She whistled out a mating call
Toowit, toowoo, ’twas all!
The elf could see there was a hitch
Crafty witch, backed off the bitch
He knew it was time to blow
Or else, no tomorrow!
I was in the midst of a press up
When a topic cropped up
There were others I’d to ring up
And a few I had to shake up
I hoped all those would speak up
A risk of trouble stirred up
But people, they had to wise up!
And of course some follow up
After, a dossier to write up
I didn’t want no fuck up
No confusion, no mix up
This hotel got blown up
Are you someone easily bothered?
Are there some you’d like to have smothered?
Send them off to war to be captured?
Or, rather, be tarred and feathered?
What do you do with the brash?
Do you sweep them off their feet with a brush?
What can you do with human trash?
Old rubbish to rehash?
And what about the egocentric?
Always live for fun, so hedonistic
Send them to the Mid Atlantic
That would sort ’em out, make ’em frantic
And what about damsels in distress?
Is it because they look such a mess?
Not to be seen in a state of undress
For me, that’s too much stress
When I became unemployed
I resembled an android with typhoid
I had always been a white collar worker
But with paper, I was such a bungler
I resigned myself to maudlin solitude
In a neighbourhood where everyone’s rude
Screams and barks and lots of yowling
Pavements and gardens for the fouling
I could kill, I know, am quite impulsive
One is inclined with others so repulsive
And I’m pissed off with the women’s tittle-tattle
Everyone a cow I’d love to throttle
The life I lead isn’t what I pictured
I blame mum and dad, I’d been blinkered
Or maybe I’m just a stubborn mule
One who wouldn’t join the pool
Hallowed be my name!
Why not? We’re all the same
We’re here to play a game
To find your holy name
Most are not aware
They’re not going ‘there’
They’re not going anywhere
The only place is HERE
We’re all in hibernation
In time, we change vibration
And on acceleration
We find ourselves in Heaven