These are the words of the Gapanaut.
I suffer from endemic lust. I am plagued by an addiction. As a self-styled hornythologist, I indulge in frisky gropes and wily tickles on the G spot, ovary meddling, have intertwined with many a twat, glad into gullies, and plumbed the depths of many a slut. As a canny arseologist, I have excavated tons of tunnels which were secret until I discovered them. Being a solicitous sadist, and after cries to be “gentle with my membrane’, I did not plunge into the abyss, this devouring darkroom – no, not me. I’m not the sort of chap to ravage reclining cows, even when they deserve to be ravaged, which often happens after unseemly outbursts of dirty words.
Sometimes I’d prefer to do something else, like playing Scrabble.
But I feel I am on this planet for a specific purpose. So, despite my artistic leanings, I must accept I am the ordained guardian of female genitalia, admittedly, a tough number, but we all have our crosses to bear.