Early One Morning

I like to climb mountains. There’s nothing like it. Climbing helps one’s mind and I am an uphill thinker.
I also like to climb alone. I feel more free with me, the whole me, and nothing but me. And one would expect this craving for solitude to be easily satisfied by immersing oneself in the wilderness. Not so!
Not if one is being pursued – yes, pursued – by another.

Seeing what was coming, I quickened my pace and looked for a place to hide, something hard to find on a treeless crag. Worse still, my pursuer turned out to be a damn sight fitter than I was, caught me up in no time,.
“Hi. I thought you might need company.”
Speak for yourself, bitch. My whole day was going to be ruined by this slovenly hippy who vainly imagined I’d be after her snatch.
Take a look at yourself, woman! It makes me wonder what these scrubbers see in a mirror
“I’m sorry, but I’m meeting someone”. – I’d like to have said, but obviously couldn’t and damn well didn’t. But my quick mind saved me.
People don’t know this, but I have crafty bowels, and now was a time to be disgusting.
I drew on my latent anal power and released a shocker.
“Ugh!”
Ugh indeed! After some formidable vomiting, this fair maiden turned tail and fled, downhill to the valley below.